Saturday, October 14, 2006
You know why girls get angry and throw a tantrum when the guy fails to notice the anger written all over her face?
Cos guys are like that, duh. Most of them.
Somehow i want Jack to be able to notice my pain. He told me over dinner, "ya i think u've been stressed this week. you were all right all along"
And i was pretty upset...
Then i comforted myself - It's better. Ignorance is better. Imagine if he could feel my pain - we would both be sulking, and that is worse
But it doesnt help. Everytime i try to talk to him about my studies next year, he would just ask me to concentrate on studying, and that i worry too much. That always hurts me. I looked him in the eye and said, it's not the school or the o levels i am worried about - i have a lot of other factors to consider.
I know, people have parents who are working, they may have debts but at least they've got an income. What about me? I ain't starving but my parents only bring home $2k odd, half of which comes from MY ELDEST SISTER. My dad is old, he's already 64.
Can you imagine working yr ass off at 64 for a measly sum? But you think my dad can just say "oh i'm tired, i'm gonna retire"
He could, but he didnt
I don't know if that is good or not. My brother still spends like my dad earns $7k. And he loves to upgrade his cellphone, computer, everything. It's ok, that's his problem. But my mum always gives in if he wanna buy something NEW and UNNEEDED.
This is a problem that never goes away. When i wanted to get braces, i sweet-talked my way through it. Computer, cellphone, all the same. My bro learnt to do it, but with a more solid stand - cos he did well in school
The area i lacked in. Is school.
And although my parents never actually forced me to do well or study, i can feel the inferiority towards my brother.
I never felt like i should challenge him - or my own limits
and i hate my brother.
anyway this is digressing. Back to dinner just now.
I was upset, cos in jack's eyes, i was ok all along. I got a bit outraged, i asked, You REAALLLY dont feel i have severe mood swings??!!!
He said yes. but he didnt express any concern over it. Means it doesnt bother him. He's those kinda science people who think logically and in a very linear way - a bit stubborn and hard to convince.
I told him something that made me feel vulnerable, cos its the first time i ever told anyone about this - that i suspect i have something called maniac depression
Expected, he doesnt know about it, and it doesnt bother him.
Its like, so difficult to be on the same frequency as him sometimes.
And from tht moment onwards, i just kept really quiet. He tried to hold my hand as he sent me home, but it made me feel worse, so i rejected it.
It's just holding hands, but do you know, to me, it feels like im still a small girl? It made me feel really small and..... like.. insignificant.
As i read more about my condition and learn about my past, i realized even though i may sound mature, i am all along a small girl trying to fight for my 'freedom'.
What is it im fighting for? When i was younger, i was this bubbly girl with big eyes and short china doll hair who liked to cry and i suppose, talk. I think i asked a lot of questions, but as time goes by, i realized that noone knew the answers to my questions, and no adult wanted me to ask them a question they cannot answer and feel stupid
I always felt that it was my education that made it so. I was in a catholic kindergarten, primary school and high school. Even though i did go church for 1 year, my mum did not allow me to get baptised, so i was a free thinker throughout. Frankly speaking, i have little memory about my past, so i am roughly assuming most of these stuff.
In school, there were rules. At home there were rules too. I get a feeling my parents like to do something and not explain themselves, and as a small kid i started hating rules cos i could never understand why i wasn't allowed to do something.
This got really noticable when i was in primary 5, i mixed with a pretty girl. I never knew at that time, she was part of the most powerful girl gangster gang in singapore, i only heard it from my friend when i was in secondary 1.
From her i learnt a lot of stuff. Not all of them were good, but nevertheless, and weirdly, i never got involved with her gangster stuff (thank god!)
Surprisingly, i never studied in primary school at all. Just somehow. My childhood was WEIRD. And i simply have no idea or memory of how my lower primary school life was lead. Totally. If i look at my past now, it feels like i never lived until primary 5. It feels like i had no life, and i totally cannot recall anything before that.
And that feeling is weird. When in primary 6, people were like talking abuot their primary 5 friends, primary 4 friends and so on. I couldnt even remember who my primary 5 classmates were.
And people were talking about what high school they wanna go to. I wanted to go to a convent school, but somehow i just gave up that thought and never studied. When the results came back, everyone was so shocked, i did pretty well for someone who never studys.
I should have slapped myself. I wanted to go to Bowen, the school 2 bustops from my house, but my dad convinced me into going to the school he taught at, and somehow i just put it as my first choice.
Of course i got in, the school's affiliated.
In secondary 1, i decided i wanted a new start. New life. Since i hardly see anyone i know in my class (i was in the worse EM2 class, most of my classmates got into the normal stream), i brought a note book to school. I wrote down everything my teacher taught. I did pretty well. FOr the first 6 months.
Then as the class gt more used to each other, we started to mess around. Our math teacher doesnt really handle noisy classes well, and since she handled things badly, she didnt get the respect from a lot of people. She got forced to stop teaching a whole lot of times cos we were all talking even louder than her.
I stopped studying, as usual, and i scraped through all my life. Until sec 4. The o levels. I had to study, i knew i had to, but i just gave it all up. I gave up on life in the first half of year 2005, the year i was supposed to graduate
I was one of the worst students in school actually. I dyed my hair since the march holidays in sec 2, my table is full of my books i never bring home to study, i was the girl whose father is a physics teacher and gets 'special treatment', and i was antisocial so that made me look cool altogether.
Something i realllllly hated. I hated my teachers to treat me differently. I simply disliked it. It made me feel handicapped, not priviledged. I started to go against the teachers. I slept in class. I wrote my english name for all chinese homework. And my classmates started doing the same. Most of which regretted in their late sec 4 lives, where they really struggled to do moderately well.
That was because i stopped going to school after the june holidays. My attendance was terrible before that anyway, it was a surprise if my friends actually saw me around in school.
It's like, i don't know what is wrong with me, but everyone is so shocked when they hear this short story about mine - When i was in primary 4, i went to the canteen for lunch with my friend. She ordered her food, i ordered mine. We both finished, and i still had money left, so i continued buying food. She didnt. I asked, why you dont want to buy?
She said, cos i want to save money.
And i asked, what is saving money? Why people save money? How come my mum never teach me to save money??!
I was so surprised, i never knew people save money! I thought that people have to spend alll their allowance everyday. That's what i did. I had to spend every single cent of my allowance if not i will feel terribly troubled!
I went home to ask my mum about saving money. I think she didnt give me a proper answer. Or she just dont know how to explain saving money to me in simple terms. As you have noticed, even at primary 4, i had simply no idea what is going on, and i still see the world from very innocent eyes.
My o levels was last year. I was supposed to retake it this year, but my mum withdrew me from the exams cos i wasnt prepared, again. At chinese new year (2006 feburary), my rich aunt looked at me with sympathetic eyes and said, you're not stupid. *nods head and continues talking to herself* i think ure a late developer. Late bloomer. blah blah blah
Of which struck me in a weird way.
I hated my family. Cos of my brother. So family = i dont like. And the rich aunt who talks so much nonsense = even more disliked.
At family gatherings, i never talk. I just be there as required, and eat, or whatever. I dont really know who is who, but i do recognize some nicer people. And my rich aunt, whom i never talk to, actually said i was a late developer, made me feel so.... touched
Not in the 'shes my savior' way. But in a way i thought was very true. Cos you know, girls get their period at different times, and most of the people i know got theirs when they were in sec 1 or 2. Mine was considered 'late', i was almost sec 3 when i got my first period.
And i was pretty tall all along. I thought i stopped growing when i was in sec 3, but to my horror, i was still growing a few cm to my current 172cm
It totally freaked me out at that time. I hated being so tall. People always tell me, i wish i had your height, blah blah blah. But they dont understand that being so tall and bony wasnt really good. You see those more petite and supposedly more proportionate girls in school, and you feel really bad about yourself.
I did. I think all teenages do feel bad about themselves and self consious, but i was very badly affected, i slouched to look shorter. Who knew that now in 2006, im getting treatment for a curved spine?
Somehow, my family brought me up to be antisocial. Noone in my family really talks to each other. We never sit down and eat together. We don't go out together. We only talk to each other when we NEED something. That's why when i had problems, i thought that i must solve it myself since its MY problem. and that ate me up from inside out, i was young, desperate to fit into the crowd, scrapping through my studies and playing games to escape all the mixed up feelings
I could never hold my head up high. Not even now. I look into a big mirror, i look presentable, and sometimes i even feel i do look above average, but that elated feeling dies off in a few seconds. Suddenly i feel im ugly, and i just want to hide and hope people do not notice me. I would be so glad if i were shorter and blend into the crowd more easily.
That's how bad i feel about myself.
And i know so little about myself, there's so much for me to learn. When i broke up with jack months ago, mummy was telling me i had mood swings. And the way she said it shocked me, like how saving money did years ago.
I mean, if i had mood swings, why dont i know it??! And why doesnt anyone else tell me?
I was a bit apprehensive, but i could tell mummy wasnt lying about it. Then uncle dan told me that too. And i realized that i never totally recovered from my depression. It just turned into manic depression. But because someone important once asked me "you sure you have depression? or is it just an excuse?", i never dare to say i have depression ever again
Even though deep inside, i know that it should be depression, cos i can hardly control my mood swings, and not even notice it. But that important person questioned me, and i doubted myself from then on.
I am not a very secure person, am i?
I read alot about depression online, cos when i was seeking treatment for depression from professional psychiatrists, they never did much. Each session was $70, i went for weeks, the medicine was costly, and nothing improved. I felt so cheated, i wanted to 'cure' myself. But writings of depression speak of chemical imbalances in the brain, not just feeling down because you lost a tennis game.
That means medicine. But consultation was so fricking expensive, and you needed a doctor to prescribe you the pills, so i couldnt do much.
My mum was complaining how expensive it was, and yet i am not improving
So i stopped. I never went back for counselling anymore. But i feel terrible now. I fit the description of having maniac depression, and i cannot confirm cos i am not a doctor. And noone knows. People who do not know about this feel that i am giving an excuse to be lazy, but have they ever thought, that i have dreams, and broken wings to begin with?
Have anyone considered the pressure i get from my family? My parents spent a lot on tuition for me, braces which cost almost $4000, and a lot of nonsense? They expected me to study and at least try to pass. I didnt. Then they got annoyed, they start to nag.
But this only made things worse. I totally rebelled to show them "ha! u can't make me do what YOU WANT me to DO!"
And i was proud of actually being able to go out with no curfew, cos i kept on coming home late for a while and when i got scolded, i screamed and talked my way through it all.
Until i have no curfew, at sec 1, whenevery one else had one. And i'm a girl...
Now, reading up on psychology, something i have an interest in, i realized why. I was never given the chance to grow up independently, and to have a personality or my own individuality.
For a child, autonomy is the most imporant part of growing up.
For children who do not achieve autonomy - they will become like me. But how you live your younger years cannot be changed, it's already past.
I just feel sad.
For myself.
Cos i live my life as a liar. An actress. No one knows the empty feeling in the middle of my chest when i lie on my bed facing the wall, feeling like a total fraud. Words like "you have the brains, you can do it", "youre not stupid, why dont u just study", "all my children can study, including you", "your father is a teacher" haunt me
How can people tell if i am smart? Isn't smart = your grades at school? Even though i know that there are 7 kinds of intelligence, and people are not smart just cos they do well in school, i was brought up to believe that grades = your worth as a person.
It gets stuck in you. It's not easy to erase. You can't just tell me, SNAP OUT OF IT and GET ON IN LIFE, cos that makes me feel even more caged, like my whole life, i have to listen to other people and do things according to them
I hate it. I know i do. But its not easy to say no. If jack feels a bit sad we cant go out for dinner, i would make time for him.
But then, i have those severe, unpredictable mood swings. It's killed a lot of friendships in my life, i suppose.
And ruined my job opportunities.
I do well in a job for the 1st 2 months, and as i have nothing else to learn, it means a test of SKILL and application of knowledge. Like my sales job at Laura Ashley. $6 an hour, and customers are scarce and mostly rich people who have too much time. It was good pay, but as my colleagues stole my customers right in front of my face, i just didnt know how to fight back
I spend saliava and sweat and brain cells talking the customer into buying stuff, and she walks to the counter and my colleague claims the sale by writing her name on it. Perfect.
I didnt meet my sales target.
And i just disappeared from the job cos it made me feel totally worthless
It doesnt help that my dad's friend actually recommmended me the job.
I played maple all day long so i didnt have to think about how worthless i was. It was terrible. I got addicted to maple. It was my form of solace, and even till today i feel i am starting to go back to games
Cos i cannot cope or sort out with the feelings i have inside. I know i am a fraud. A liar. Almost all my words and actions are delibrate and planned and are LIES.
I hate to admit this, but that is what i am - i have so lost touch with myself i do not know who i am
I dont even seem to have a past
And since i was taught to handle things myself, whether i can cope or not, i never liked to ask people for help. And i feel like a burden all my life.
So please, if i am actually sharing this intimate details of my life with you, dont offer direct help - it will only make me depend on other people more.
And about deadlines, if i do not meet them, kick me out of the project.
Actually i havent sorted out my feelings recently, so i am living day to day feeling like shit and very very stressed.
I am doing what i do best - running away
I feel very tired and empty now... almost vulnerable
I can conclude that almost everyone you see are happy or strong ARENT.
it's just a mask.... when ure hurt once, u'll learn how to shield yourself
but what if uve been hurt all your life?
you'll never open up...
some things are locked away... and the key thrown away
It may seem like ive told you a lot, but theres just a whole lot more that will take me 2 weeks to tell you
Last reminder... do not pity me.
And do not feel sad
Cos i trust you will still have your own individuality, and not start to feel like me, feel my pain and want to save me.
Okie? I know i am suffering frm maniac depression, ive done research on it. If you really wanna understand how to deal and live with me, u shld do a tiny research on it too....
maybe i should get confirmation for it and treatment...
I know i have to
im feeling terrible jaded,
and i feel as if my wings would not move no more
so there.....
10:37 PM
